What If We Redefined Transgender Through a Buddhist Lens?

The first noble truth in Buddhism is that suffering is universal and unavoidable. Referred to as dukkha, the teaching states that we will all be exposed to, and experience, various states of suffering throughout our lives. 

Buddhists also believe that suffering is in a constant state of flow and is impermanent; meaning it is always changing. Therefore it is our attachment to the constructs, or meaning we give the suffering, that allows it to continue.

As I sit here writing this my trans daughter is sitting on the couch across from me fully immersed in her own world via YouTube. I look over and see a beautiful soul and feel a sense of calm emanating from her. I realize how lucky I am to be her mom and how much she has taught me over the past year.

When she first told me that she thought she was a girl, I was confused and in disbelief. I went through the narrative that I’d learned from hearing about gender dysphoria in the news. I thought maybe someone was getting in her head or that something on social media was convincing her she was supposed to be different than she actually was.

I also thought she must be going through a phase of exploration and that finding a therapist to help her navigate through her thoughts and feelings would most likely help.I believed that over time she would realize that she was actually gay, or just liked wearing more feminine clothing.

I’m embarrassed to look back and see how unwilling I was, at first, to recognize that she was courageously telling me who she has been all along. I was attaching to my own belief system and the reality I had created in my head, instead of being open to what I was being told and shown. 

Through many conversations, hidden tears, research and with an open-hearted willingness, I began to peel away the constructs of how I saw my child. What I began to see is someone who was finally able to fully be themself. I saw how her face would light up when someone would use the correct pronouns and preferred name. I began to witness my child step into who they are in the most beautiful of ways.

For years my daughter hid behind headphones, wouldn’t look anyone in the eye and fought incredibly hard to fit into a world that didn’t seem right for her. She struggled to engage in school and with friends because she was continuously trying to be as small as she could in this world that demands we take up space.

Since coming out and having the support needed to feel more comfortable in her own skin, she smiles and laughs more often. She makes eye contact with people and engages in conversation. She has made friends and joined groups that offer community with others who are bravely showing up in the world as they are meant to be. 

Last night she attended prom. A year ago I believed that she would never have had the interest in partaking in such a normalized teenage right of passage. She was absolutely radiant in her bright red gown and stood proud of who she is. The energy she radiated and the embodied comfort she showed reminded me that this is who she was meant to be all along. 

When I look back at the initial heartache and disbelief I experienced when learning that my sense of reality was shifting, I see how my attachment was creating unnecessary suffering. My dukkha was due to trying to adhere to the beliefs and constructs created in my mind. It was due to societal norms and my inability to see the beauty in being more open to the unknown.

What if we believed people when they told us their truth, instead of putting our own thoughts, beliefs and desires onto them? What if instead of pathologizing people we believed that their life experiences are part of life’s inherent suffering? What if we believed that everyone has innate worth and deserves to take up space in whatever way their personal identity calls for? What if we flowed with life instead of grasping and holding on tightly to how or what we think it should be?

What if? I believe the world would be a much more beautiful place.